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August 17, 2010 / Magic Mama

Stuck In My Head

This little song:
Are you in there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will… buy you some Adidas.
Phoebe Buffay (Friends: The One with the Embryos)

And also all of this:
Just as I suspected, the more time that passes, the harder the wait. Too much time for all of the thoughts to start creeping in. First, I was feeling pretty optimistic. Probably because that’s my instinct—my go-to reaction for most things in life. Then I had a brief period where I felt slightly indifferent. Maybe that’s not the right word. I absolutely still cared, I was just settling into the idea that this could go either way. Reality. Then I felt empty. Not emotionally empty. Actually physically empty. Disbelief that there could be anything taking place in my uterus at that moment. I wished that I could feel something. Then yesterday I started feeling shitty. Fatigue. Headache. And were those cramps? I should have known better than to wish to feel something, because those symptoms can’t tell me anything. They could be PMS symptoms. They could be early pregnancy symptoms. But they are most likely symptoms from the estrogen patches. At least that’s the most neutral thing (to tell myself) to believe.

I’m searching for balance. Trying to plant myself somewhere halfway between yes and no.



Leave a Comment
  1. renee / Aug 17 2010 2:19 pm

    hang in there!

  2. Sara / Aug 17 2010 8:01 pm

    EVERYTHING comes back to FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!

  3. Alexa / Aug 18 2010 2:41 am

    Hang in there! Thinking of you! :)

  4. Aunt Tami / Aug 18 2010 1:54 pm

    Can’t Wait!! Only 2 More days!! :)


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